This piece appears in print in the fall 2010 inaugural issue of RE:COM magazine.
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LA-by-way-of-Chicago comic Robert Buscemi was named 2009's "Best Stand-Up" by the Chicago Reader newspaper, just released a stand-up CD ("Palpable") on the Rooftop Productions label, and has performed at the Rooftop Aspen Comedy Fest, Chicago Improv Fest (twice), the DC Comedy Fest, and Snubfest (where he twice won "Best Solo Act").
7 Can't-Miss Festival Strategies for Comedians:
1) Wear one of those costumes onstage where it looks like you're a small person riding an ostrich. Those are HILARIOUS! (The secret to this costume's illusion: YOUR legs are really the OSTRICH'S legs! Oh MAN is it great!)
2) When schmoozing, NEVER buck prevailing opinion. If you hear someone trash a fellow comic, PILE ON, even if you've never met the victim, or even if it's your best friend (note to self: DROP THE DRIP!). "Mean" brownie points are special, and count quadruple. Kindness, discretion, loyalty and integrity lead straight to doom. Instead, be a cool kid. Deceive, flatter, wheedle, blow smoke, laugh falsely, smile big, and cajole. Remember: This is POLITICS, baby. This is HIGH SCHOOL.
3) When a rival's onstage, laugh uncontrollably at some SET-UP (for example: "Yeah, my sister used to iron her hair ..."). Snort rudely, snot, cry, and struggle for composure for the duration of that comedian's set. You'll TANK the bastard.
4) If you encounter a bathroom attendant (I don't know -- it could happen), leave a dollar and grab a piece of chocolate. Chocolate's good and doesn't cost much under a dollar anyway. And come on: they're ATTENDING a BATHROOM. Show some solidarity.
5) Find the top festival-booker banana at the biggest, best-attended afterparty, approach when he / she is talking to the fest's biggest name -- the MAJOR headliner they flew in special for Saturday night's main-stage gala -- then butt in and give the official and the uber-comic SUDDEN, CRUNCHING, FULL-UNDERCARRIAGE GOOSES (tandem "geese," really) FROM BEHIND, HARD, RIGHT UP IN THE NETHERS. AND DON'T STOP AT THE NETHERS EITHER, BUT CUP YOUR FINGERS UP / AROUND / OVER THE "FRONTERS," OR WHATEVER YOU CALL THE OPPOSITE OF NETHERS, AND GIVE BOTH UNDERCARRIAGES YOUR TIGHTEST SQUEEZE, ALL WHILE YODELING AT TOP VOLUME.
Because ... come on! We're COMEDIANS!
6) (In # 5, you're wearing a purple halter top, a German-flag Speedo, flame-retardant goggles, and a vintage football helmet, which is just a very old deflated FOOTBALL split down the middle and jammed onto your head. Plus you'll be me, Robert Buscemi, and you'll not have been booked at this fest -- HAVE THEY NOT SEEN MY PRESS?!? -- but just crashed the party to accomplish your dual goose-quest.)
7) Write thank-you notes to anyone who books, helps, or converses with you. They're investing time, energy, and money into your ass, even if they're hoping to associate with you later when you get big. So listen politely and express gratitude for their support. On paper. Then fold it, stick it in an envelope, track down a street address, put a stamp on it, and mail it. You went to school -- show some breeding and initiative, you ostrich-cowboy bitch! (Oh I did NOT! Yes I DID! SNAP! TRIPLE-SNAP!)
