[I did this as a one-man-show monologue. That's me as this character in the photo.]
Welcome to Yardonia, my magical home and Wisconsin’s 134th largest tourist attraction. Please stay with the group and prepare to see things you’ve heretofore only read about in travel brochures.
I am an artist and inventor, and I am driven to make the wondrous creations you see before you just like Tom Jones is driven to make his wondrous musical recordings.
I direct your attention to the canoe I carved entirely from Gouda cheese to navigate that duck pond at the bottom of the hill. Isn’t my canoe majestic, glowing in the late-afternoon sun? Please do not touch it, nor any of my other crafts or inventions, unless I invite you to do so.
Now this small waterfall you see here is a “WPS,” or Water Purifying System, which I created from chicken wire, bottle caps, and my grandmother’s gigantic braziers. She lives in that farmhouse at the top of the hill, and this used to be her yard until I lost my job at Orange Julius down at the mall a while back and colonized it. You may taste the artificially freshened water by cupping your hands in the plastic kiddy pool I placed at the bottom.
It’s good, isn’t it, young fellow? [pat imaginary young fellow on head] Wholesome and pure. 100% potable too. I guarantee it.
OK. Next you’ll notice the cast from television’s Friends, which I sculpted by smashing together fresh field manure and day-old baked goods. As you can see, I used cupcakes to reshape Jennifer Anniston’s sagging breasts, and a baguette to represent Joey’s manhood.
Stand back from that, ma’am! Thank you.
Of course I also make all my own camping gear, so I can live out here year round. This here’s my dome tent, made of old jean jackets and coat hangers, with the Yardonian flag flying proudly atop [pause 15 full seconds to salute]. I cross-stitched that flag from hundreds of argyle sox I purchased from thrift stores with my Guggenheim Genius Grant money.
And hanging from that tree just yonder by a bungee chord is the Slumber Jack 2000 Dangling Cucumber sleeping bag, featuring custom-made crotch vents and Anterior Draft Tube designing. It only came untethered the once, when a 400-pound man and his wife tried to sleep in it one night and came crashing to earth just like adolescent pterodactyls shoved from the nest [make screeching pterodactyl squawks followed by huge crashing sound].
You like the way it hangs there like a cocoon, don’t you sir? Talk to me later and we’ll see if we can’t rent it to you for a few hours. You’ll be surprised at what it can do for your peace of mind. Mmmmmm-mmmm!
Now if you’ll just look around, you'll see you’re standing in the midst of my world-famous pornographic topiary garden, the glory of all Yardonia. That giant female nude there is perhaps my most matour work to date. Only the rhododendron yields such gentle curvature. [pause a full 15 seconds to admire]
Oh, hello, Gramma! Beautiful day, huh? [whispering confidentially to audience so Gramma won't hear] Gramma’s eyes aren’t what they used to be, so I just tell her these’re all Disney characters, instead of lewdly carved bushes and such like. [winking] Shhhhh. OK! Bye-bye, Gramma! Don’t forget to cut off my crusts!
Now, if you’ll arrange your lawn chairs in a semi-circle, I’ll prepare my one-man reenactment of the War of 1812, as advertised in my brochure, or “pamphlet.” Please allow me to warm up first with my Meezner acting exercises.
[accompany the following with simple stretching excercises as scene fades out]
Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!
Stanis-slavski! Stanis-sleeve-ski!
Uta Hagen! Uta Heegen!
Vyola Spolin! Vyola Spah-lin!
Mizener! Meezner!
Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!
