I'm tired of all these young people and their "hooey"! They listen to their loud tuba music and watch "The Forrest Gump Movie" on triple-repeat and they don't read the bible by tallow-candlelight the way I used to!
And they seem preoccupied with lewd relations.
Why when I was a young 'un, all I thought about was joining the US Senate, and being upright and farming. It was soooooooooo important to me to feed them chickens and water that corn successfully, you see, so that I could get tuh schoolin' 'n' tuh' learnin', so that one day I could be a YOU ESS SENATOR!
None of this hoppin' around on the hoods of fancy pick-'em-up trucks with girls wearin' revealin' bikinis fer me!
In my spare time (I didn't have much!) I'd whittle me'self a toothpick (that was my one vice!) and dream of me-self as a Senator!
Oh, the glory of settin' up thar in the halls o' Congress, readin' the details o' complicated legislation!
And once in a loooooooooooooong while, specially along come the time I started turnin' into a Pubescent ... I'd fantasize about ...
(I blush tuh tell ye.)
About ... maybe wearing an English-style powdered wig, like the venerables did in olden times!
Why then I get the heat-rash comin' on!
None of these young people today and their "Arthur Fonzarellis" and callin' people "jive turkeys" and undulatin' their hips all animalistic-like! None of that for me when I was a whelp!
Reverence for the elders! That's what I had! In their Congressional chambers! Where the fornication was unfettered!
Wait -- oooh -- wait! I said somethin' jest now I dinna mean and should'na said!
I admitted it!
I admitted my desires for LUSTFUL ESCAPADES in the Senate chambers!
With my be-wigged underlings wearin' no underthings no less!
FIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made it through an entire lifetime not revealin' them deepest, darkest thoughts to no one, and now I stand exposed before man and God in all my horrid lustfulness!
MIGHTY THOR, YE CANNOT BRING YOUR SMITING SWORD DOWN UPON ME SPEEDILY ENOUGH!
I WHILT DO IT ME-SELF!
'Cept I'm too old and infirm to pick up yonder pitchfork and crash it down to impale me daft skull.
Oh well. Another day lookin' at the TV me ears can't hear no more, flashin' pictures of People's Court and me dreamin' o' the lustful things I can't no longer even do to them Rude Rustics on the screen.
