1) I wish my boss would stop asking me to think outside the box. I’m happy in the box. It’s warm in the box. No one can hurt me in the box.
2) They shouldn't call it a search "party." They're no fun at all. Unless you enjoy running around in the woods. Which I actually do. So can I take it back? Invite me! I’ll bring salad! And body bags!
3) Every culture has a shape shifter. I’m ours. See? [*moves belly out and in*]. I have a pornographic version too. Wanna see that? [*starts unzipping fly*]
4) I don’t want Johny Law to come down on me. I want Johny Law to GO down on me. OH NO HE DI'INT!
5) I have a cool job. I authenticate John Madden's underwear for collectors. They’re utterly distinctive: a hint of boysenberry, the faintest musk of wet mule, and a dollop of fresh sour cream.
6) As a young man, I used to pop hymens like plastic bubble wrap.
7) On my mom’s side, I’m Yemeneze-Dutch. On my dad’s, Scotch-Apache.
8) I look into your eyes and I see flocks of geese crapping on my car.
9) My computer’s pretty old. It runs on steam. I have to crank start ‘er in the morning. It has a horn on the side that goes “aOOOOgah.” I have to shovel coal into it all day to keep it running. It doesn’t have a keyboard -- it has a steering wheel. I wear a leather flying helmet when I'm on it. Also goggles and a giant red Amelia Earheart scarf. It’s actually got an original “Emerson, Lake, and Palmer” sticker on the side, so yeah: old.
