The most disgusting thing happened on our way to the pool today and you won't even believe it.
Me and my friend Darren got sprinkle cones at Kone Buddies right next to the pool and since Darren has a paper route he PAID because no one else will play with him because he's terrible at games and he cries a lot, so I'm the only one who will be seen with him. I'm barely any better off than Darren though because everyone makes fun of and beats me up a lot because I'm a spaz and I have a huge mouth and I'm always running from fights and crying and instigating everyone by falling in love with the most popular girls and trying to kiss them and everything.
So Darren and I are eating sprinkle cones and I start calling this teenage guy with a tattoo of an eagle (though it looked more like a pigeon, which is one of the things I smarted off about) all these mean names like "stupid hunky" and "grit-face" and "scuzz-master," only the scuzzy teenager was standing just far enough away and I wasn't looking at him and was just talking to Darren the whole time, so it took the scuzz-blaster a while to cop on that he was the object of my cutting commentary.
But then the scuzz teen got wise because Darren was laughing too hard and actually I kid you not PEED HIS BEIGE SWIM TRUNKS he was laughing so hard at me mocking this grit just out of the grit's hearing (oh, btw, the grit dude was wearing--get this OVERALLS WITH NO SHIRT UNDERNEATH and NO SHOES OR SOCKS, and there were motor oil stains all over the overalls from having to work to abate his family's poverty).
So the grit man gets wise and turns his gritty, muscled self around and gives us a stare challenge, and he sees that my idiotic friend Darren has peed his trunks laughing, and the grit says "Nice peeing, baby pee man!" And then he walks up to us and says "You weren't makin' fun o' ME perchance, was yis?"
And I barely had time to be surprised that such a caveman could come up with the word "perchance" than he grabbed both mine and Darren's wrists at the same time and smashed our sprinkle cones RIGHT INTO OUR FACES and humiliated us in front of the Kone Buddies staff, one of which is this older girl I totally have a crush on and pass love poems to every day before I go to the pool. She's fat but my love will not die.
And I'm telling you--we were totally so laden with sprinkles and ice cream in our faces that we could barely stand the shame of everyone's laughing and taunting. And then the grit says "Why don't you pee YOUR pants, just like your sprinkle-cone-face butt-buddy, you stupid little big-mouth fat ass!?"
Which was stupid of him, since I'm so skinny you could fit a wristwatch around my waist, and so I take off sprinting toward the pool entrance, where I found out later the grit had been banned from entering because he doesn't have proper swim trunks, only more stupid greasy overalls that he cut off with some crude farming tool, and I'm yelling, during my sprint, to get revenge at him "I'M ABOUT AS FAT AS YOU ARE GREASY AND STUPID, YOU LOW-LIFE, SKEEZY, PIMPLY ASS FACE!"
And my friend Darren's a FAR slower runner than I am, and I'm not even that fast at all, so the grit caught Darren no problem by the scruff of his neck and held him hostage for like a half hour, taunting him to his grit friends and buying ANOTHER sprinkle cone and smashing THAT one all over Darren's face too, even though to the nameless pimply grit's credit, he let Darren choose the flavor and the sprinkle variety for his second cone-smashing humiliation, and Darren said the grit paid for the second cone, which was nice of him.
