Tips for Ridding Your House of Bugs:
1) SILVERFISH hate Michael Bolton, so play The Bolt Man incessantly for a week for any infestation. Vacation at this time so you don't have to listen along. (TIP: To prevent theft while you’re away, epoxy mannequins to those new self-sweeping vacuum cleaners and set their movements to “random,” so invaders will think there’s a cotillion happening in your house.)
2) If ANGELS are nibbling your curtains and bedclothes, play them Otis Redding. They can't abide him, since the beauty of Otis's songs challenges their primacy as the most beautiful things in your home.
3) If you have TERMITES, carve your house beams into scarecrows. This won’t control them, but crows shouldn’t bother you anymore (assuming they had been). Oh, and plant some corn now that the scarecrows are up. You might as well, right?
4) Shake a rain stick at your LADYBUGS. They won’t leave, but you’ll start one hell of a party!
5) Imagine that the COCKROACHES crawling across your tummy as you sleep are Mother Nature’s bug-fingers tickling you (her child!) on your silly, silly belly!
6) If you capture ONE BUG, use A BIGGER BUG to attack and eat it (this is called “holistic” bug control, I bet). Then smash the bigger bug, and voila – you’ve killed two bugs with one smash-gesture!
7) Train your dog to gently cradle BUGS in his jaws out to the woods behind your house, where Fido will release them to take a few “natural” bug steps before he eats them, overwhelmed by canine curiosity at what kind of “cream filling” each bug contains!
8) Try cussing the little pests out – IN SWEDISH!
9) Squat low at the hips, unmoving, unblinking, stark naked, in a threatening, gargoyle position atop your fridge for a fortnight, then emit a horrifying series of sharp, piercing, inhuman shrieks to convey you’ve been trapped in stone for millennium and are only now coming back to life, bent on vengeance and murder. Forget bugs – that’s freaking ME out!
10) Spread peanut butter on your counter for ants. If they don’t eat it, you eat it!
