This is a real email I really sent my real friends (like seven of them):
Hey, guys!
Just want to check in and say I hope you're all enjoying your late summers!
I wanted to tell you about a goal I've made, so you're posted and current about me.
I've been doing some push-ups, like only ten a day, but every single morning, and I'm feeling really good about myself because of that. I'm sure you guys are happy for me and support me in those efforts!
My goal, then, just so you all know, and I don't want anyone to think it's weird or to take it personally, and I want Ben to know it has nothing to do with any perceived slight from him or anything like that, since I've always enjoyed his friendship and talents and generosity, especially at his New Year's parties.
But my goal now is, since I've been doing these pushups ...
Is to beat the crap out of Ben!
In a really, really public way. In front of his wife and two daughters and some of Dina's relatives and also Ben's brother Nick. And in front of Kent and Dan as warnings to them.
And then I'm going to drag him by his ankle from one sorority front-lawn to the next, beating the crap out of him a little bit more at each one.
I'll start with the popular sororities, and by the time we get to the skanky butt-face sororities, he'll be a bloody pulp and I'll throw him into a thorny hedge and leave him there for Dina and his daughters to clean up.
Thanks for supporting me in my goal!
xo Rob!
