I understand you're considering publishing a book of your famously clever Facebook status updates, which have actually, honestly, already been written up in the press?
That's right, Darian.
Robert. I'm Robert.
Right. Robert. That's right. I picture some funny, clever little thing at the counter at Borders and Urban Outfitters. Something like that. A fun little nonsense book. Like Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts," which I always adored.
Great. Now, what is it like to command such massive power in the show business industry, to be revered by your peers, and to be so universally beloved by women and children?
Oh, I fear you exaggerate, Klaus--
Robert. I'm Robert.
Well, to be honest, I see myself as but a vessel and believe that God is working through me. I am but His lowly instrument, channeling the lightning of His Divinity through all I do.
I see. Now they say every culture has a "trickster" character. Native Americans had Kokopelli, pre-Renaissance Europe had Pantalone, and contemporary America has Don Rickles.
They do say that, don't they?
Now, tell me about your ... shall we say ... prodigious gifts in the realm of ... physical pleasure administration, or "PPA"?
Yes. Well, Phineas--
Jevin. I'm Jevin.
Right, Jevin. I see a physical body, and I see ... almost a Google Earth image of that person. I see every nook and cranny, every avenue and traffic circle, every prairie expanse, every Starbucks, as it were. Then I zoom out and see entire verdant continents on the human body, whole swathes of fornicatable hinterlands. Then I just bore in with my "cursor," if you will, and Bob's your uncle.
Oh, I will. Believe you me, I WILL.
Yes?
Yes.
Yesssss?
YES. STOP ASKING.
Hmm. OK. Pull up that sofa over there. The one with shaped like a heart.
Yes, commander.
Please. Call me "Leff-tenant."
How do the Germans get "leFFF" from "lieugh-tenant," or however it's spelled? There's no "F" in sight, is there?
No. There's not. Hey, do me a favor and handcuff yourself to that chair in my breakfast nook, will you?
Sure.
Great. Is the interview over?
A better question might be ... did it ever really begin?
How is that a better question?
Oh lord. You just killed our ending. There was this comic rhythm that dictated that you not respond to that question, Einstein.
Oh, sorry. Right. My bad. And it's Tim. I'm Tim.
