Hey, guyyyyyyy, just RELAX, ok? Sex is NATURAL. Sex is FUN. The iguanas in my terrarium are just OBEYING NATURE. Why are you making excuses to leave the room and stop watching them? They're not mammals. They're not like us. They experience no shame or embarrassment. They don't realize they're putting on an iguana sex show for us, you dig?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? I left you that terrycloth robe on the hook outside the sauna. It's purple, and I know how much you like purple.
Oh, yeah. The female iguana has a sub-abdominal aperture to receive the male's seed. It's completely natural!
Oh wait -- that's my favorite Leonard Cohen song! Sorry it skips in the middle there. But I'm a man of nature that way. I like "natural" things like a skip in a record. I find it so much more free and nude than these technologically "advanced" CDs and MP3 recordings, with their soulless, tinny reverberations.
Could you scratch my back?
Do you find my skin cool and scaly like the back of the male iguana there, as his lizard skin roils and undulates methodically over his impressive back and shoulder muscles?
Would you care to rub some oil into my back? I only use virgin olive oil.
Do you like the picture my shoulder makes with my pink terrycloth robe fallen at an angle half-way down my own back?
I'll bet you do.
I'll bet you do!
Ooh! The tea is ready!
I'll be back -- just let me crush those bay leaves and maybe add splash of burgundy.
Oh, look! The tea kettle is whistling in perfect time to the culmination of the iguanas' coupling!
And to the third verse of Leonard Cohen's best song, the one about the woman down by the water or whatever!
